Most of this crap will probably fall on deaf ears, but what the hell. I don't suspect too many people even stop by this website anymore, and that's fine. It's mostly my own personal dumping site for files and etc, and I keep it running because a few friends still host their webpages here.

I still get a lot of emails from people from time to time, asking me about where I have gone to, and will I ever upload more furry art, and yada yada yada. Among other things, I have been pointed in the direction of "wikis" and other things that seem to have all the answers to my life.

One of my favorite comments I would like to address on furry wiki said something to the effects of: "Kylen was not a nice person. She thought she was a Queen-bee with a giant ego."

For the sake of being an honest person who isn't too full of themselves to speak the truth of themselves, I will say they are only partly correct. Yes, there were times when I was not very nice at all. I have been described before as "passive-agressive", and while that may or may not be accurate, it boils down to this: I can get along with people just fine and in fact, always start out with the intention of being cordial, but particular little things can set me off. Basically, push one of my buttons, and I'll let you have it. Were there people I disliked? Hell yes. Were there people I did not get along with? Hell yes. Did that cause me to sometimes say or do "not nice" things? Hell yes.

But whether or not I was "nice" depends on who you are. The problem was, I ran a website in a small fandom that started to grow in popularity, and as that occured, many people came my way. People would constantly email me, and constantly hound me on ICQ. It got to the point that I couldn't log on to the internet without a bunch of people messaging me like crazy about the sandwhiches they just made, or that they were bored and scratching their butts. At some point I had to start going "invisible" to the people other than my family and close friends when I wanted to sneak online and discuss more "important" things, because that was all I really had time for. Of course, others found out they were being put on invisible and instead of trying to understand why I might be too busy to talk, they instead flew off the handle and claimed I was purposely avoiding them because I thought I was too good to talk to them. That's the not the case. But pretty soon everyone seems to think that is gospel, and before you know it, according to the scripture, I've got this big fat ego and think I'm better than everyone.

I tried really hard to make everyone happy. I tried. But it was difficult running a forum where so many different people with conflicting interests gathered. If I tried to please one group of people, the other group screamed "unfair!" at me. If I tried then to please them, then the first group would cry "foul!" It got so out of control and so over the top that I started to get angry at EVERYONE.

I think the ego part of the wiki statement was the funniest part of the whole line. If that's anything- that's something I DIDN'T have- for the sheer reason that I had such poor self-confidence and self-esteem issues. I spent almost all of my high school and college years going up and down in weight, and was the type of girl boys never asked to the dance. Artwork was the only thing I thought I had going for me. But thinking you have some talent is a far cry from having an ego. If at anytime in anyplace, I ever wrote or said, "I am great! I am a fabulous artist and you people are beneath me!" then point it out to me and by all means, I'll do a total 360.

Do I feel bad about how my "career" in "furry fandom" went? Yes, yes I do, from time to time. I never wanted to nor meant to piss people off. I never wanted to make people feel lesser than me or to feel like they were unimportant. I had in furry fandom and STILL have a LOT OF FRIENDS that I stay in contact with, which is a feat for someone who "is not nice". I am grateful for those friends, and I am grateful for the fans, and I am grateful for the occasional email I get from someone I've only spoken to maybe once in my lifetime saying, "Hey, was just dropping you a line to let you know I still appreciate your art and hope you are doing well". There were so many good things to it all, but the bad outweighed the good. I HAD to take time off from the fandom. I HAD to leave for my own sanity and health. But people thought it was the final snub. And once again, they just assumed.

My 3rd/last year of college, I went through a serious depression, directly related to the fandom drama and other personal matters. I was even prescribed an anti-depressant of which I took only 2 days worth and then threw the entire bottle into the trash. I threw it into the trash because I knew pills were not my answer. I had to find my OWN answer. I was burned out from college, I was burned out from art, I was burned out from fandom drama. So I dropped out of Loyola Marymount University and moved back home with my parents for awhile. I took some odd jobs here and there, and even finished my general education at a local college. I eventually took a job at a brand new casino that Las Vegas operated here in California. I became licensed in dealing and I made enough money to move out of my parent's house and into a nice, 2 bedroom apartment. I started dieting and exercised and lost all my weight. I was going out with new-found friends on the weekends and was on good terms with my family. I started to *care* about life again. I never wanted to look back at the fandom again. I never wanted to log on to the internet again.

So where am I now? I am now 26 going on 27 next month, and I am renting a house in Southern California with a good-sized yard that has been rendered to dust by my Alaskan Malamute and my wolf-dog. Where is my art? Yes, I have been drawing for the past 5 years in sketchbooks that have never seen the light- and probably will never see this internet. I have recently been signed on as the lead artist for a new, 6-issue comic book with Dark Horse Comics. Last summer I was commissioned to illustrate the souvenir booklets for California's 2007 State Fair ( sadly, they went to press the last week of the fair, so very few got distributed ). I've been in "burn-out" mode for a good number of years, but I'm slowly doing something with my art again. I will probably never be gung-ho about turning it into a full-time career like I once was set on doing- but that's okay. When I tried to turn art into a career, I started to hate art, because it became like just any other job and I was no longer enjoying it. So I'll just do little things here and there from time to time to stay in practice. Besides, there are far better artists out there than me, and I just can't keep up with them nor compete with them. Those who have the drive I once had are the ones that truly belong in the industry.

I'm sure some of you have gotten this far and are still sneering. And I bet I can name you all, too. You think I think so highly of myself, but that is wrong, because I remember each and every name of the few people I didn't get along with, and why. If I was such a high and mighty Queen, would I remember the names of the peons? Quite honestly, I have moved on from all that drama and I don't see fit to go around carrying a grudge. So if you still have that beef- if you STILL are upset about some stupid event or thing said from 5 years ago, by all means email me about it, and I will give you my sincere, honest apology so you can move on with your life, too.

No really. I am serious. Because all that drama and all that crap that occured between the years of 1998-2003 was absolutely worthless. It was pointless. Maybe I wasn't an adult then, and I chose to handle some situations poorly because of my immaturity, but I am an adult now, and I'm not afraid to point out where and when I was wrong. I let silly internet drama and nonsense absolutely exhaust my emotions and my control, and some people took the brunt of my aggression, anger, and frustration. Honestly, I wanted to be a nobody in the fandom. I wanted people to once in awhile stumble upon me and send me a comment or two, but not what occured; Because being somebody in an online fandom is nothing but trouble. I'm not cut out to be a leader or a popularity contestant because I don't want the responsibility. I don't want the attention because once you have it, all eyes are on you, and if you don't walk on eggshells, people are going to be watching your every move, ready to take everything you say and do out of context, ready to be the first to knock your legs out from under you and claim they always knew you were going to fall flat on your face.

So there, I'm done. I will probably not ever come back to the fandom, let alone steadily produce art for it and share it. I have found the answers and they weren't here. Perhaps in the future I'll do a little something with this site, or maybe share a few things I don't mind having scrutinized and/or ripped off, but I don't plan on this website ever being the hub it once was, or becoming active in the fandom again. I have moved on and I am happy. I hope the rest of you have managed to move on yourselves, and if you haven't, then I feel incredibly sorry for you because you are only holding yourselves back by hanging on to some silly grudge you have against an ex-internet furry artist that you have never even met face to face.