Agent

Posts: 53
Registered: Oct 2002

posted 11-15-2002 01:39 PM            

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How could I be so foolish, to believe. My heart is so black from the tornment that I drove myself into. The tears I shed run dry as I laugh at my pathetic self. I feel so weak now, no vunerable, so hopeless. All my dreams and fantasies nothing more than mere garbage to me. I only exist with my tornment and anger, It feeds my depression as it grows without end inside of me. Leaving me with nothing but a dark shell of what I once was. I damn myself everytime I see happiness of others before me, knowing that I shall never feel this way when I'm with another. But insted feel the bitter pain of being an outcast. I feel that this is the way it will have to be, I will not fight any longer. For I don't know how to fight, for I am to weak and pathetic to fight back anymore. I stand in the darkness watching the world revolve, wathing people find love and happiness, and lose it as well. I am only an observer, I can no longer attempt such a foolish fate, for my pride holds me back form making a fool of myself once again.....Damn love. damn freindship, damn myself.....for believing in them.... I laugh again, for thats all I can do....laugh....laugh at my self...laugh at my hopes.... laugh at my dreams... I can no longer accept you. can no longer want you, I can no longer feel you.. For pain is the only thing I need to feel.... here stands before you, what was once a man, no a waste of his soul... God, please take my soul and leave me to the hellhounds. For I do not deserve such a thing, for I will only hurt and torchure it again. God please make the pain go away, make everything go away so that I won't have to feel, or hurt anymore..... But you won't. you leave my soul.. do you not want it? Is it not worthy of your eternal blessings?.. If not then I'll take it with me to the hell hounds... for it shall bear the fate that I have tormented it with.... at least then..... I will be... free....
[from my live journal: basically how I feel about myself]

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I stand alone as I knew I would. Belonging to no one, belonging with no one, I do nothing but observe. Wishing I could feel the warmth of love again, the laughter of close friends again. But all I hear is silence within myself... My soul cold and dead, giving me no relief, till I join its solitude....

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